The holidays are the best and kind of the worst. Family members have a way of cutting right to the core with their questions and not giving a care about how it makes you feel. Don’t deny it – if they did care, they would stop telling you how “fat” you are (you’re beautiful, so stop listening to them) and about all the things that are preventing you from getting married.
To help get you through the holiday season with minimal damage to your sanity, we’ve pulled together 7 hacks to get you through all those seriously uncomfortable questions.
#1 Dodge. Dodge. Dodge.
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“Oh! Look a puppy/baby/cat/food/something shiny!”
Find something that could easily distract anyone. Give this thing your complete focus. Do not avert your attention from this thing.
If the thing in question is a living thing, pick it up and walk away.
If it’s food, quickly shove it down your gullet and mumble something that may or may not make sense and walk away. In extreme circumstances, pretend to begin choking.
“When are you going to have a baby?”
“When are you going to have a baby, Great Aunt Maude?”
Because “none of your business” is, for some reason, not considered appropriate, deflect and turn the question back on the offender.
#3 Say that you’ll figure it out when you grow up
“When are you going to get serious about your career?”
We can’t be sure why, but apparently choosing to be a your profession here and not a doctor/engineer/lawyer means we’re not taking our careers seriously.
So, regress, and tell them that you’re not quite ready to be an adult, and you’ll figure it out later, then grab a big ol’ glass of wine and walk away.
#4 Get SUPER honest
“Why aren’t you married yet?”
“According to my therapist, years of emotional trauma has made me unable to commit myself to any one person. This has led me to engage in casual, pointless relationships.”
That’s definitely not the answer they’ll expect.
#5 Burst into tears
“Is name of ex-S.O. coming later?
Start crying, even if you were the breaker-upper. Either the awkward relative will walk away after a quick “there-there” or you’ll have all the permission you need to walk out the door and get the heck outta dodge.
#6 Never stop moving
“You’ve gained weight! Isn’t it time for you to start going to the gym more?”
If you don’t sit down and just keep walking around, then you’re working out right now! You’ll also be very difficult to pin down.
#7 Fake food poisoning
“Don’t you know insert random habit here is bad for you?”
This is your cue to start gagging and hightailing it to the nearest bathroom. Alternatively, you can pretend to faint.
If you pretend to faint, you need to really sell it, let those eyes roll into the back of your head and go completely limp.